The Looming Question - To have or not to have

Having children, they say, is a selfish act where the child owes us 'nothing' in return; the only thing in it for us is the pure exhilaration of having left our clones behind.

What is this life but a game of gene perpetuation. Is there such a thing called free will or are the majority of us held hostage to the predetermined choices in life where we just have to keep playing our parts, no questions asked.

Astonishingly, the world today is taking strides in breaking the barriers of determinism with people increasingly deciding against having kids. While most of my friends wear the 'no kids' policy like a badge of honour - I hadn't really pondered on this subject and had neither had 'the conversation' with my husband.

Well, honestly for me 'having kids' was just a concept until I crossed thirty - this is when s**t started getting real, cause the proverbial biological clock began ticking faster. With my thirty second birthday just a month away, the question began haunting me all the more. It made me wonder on what side of the fence did I really want to be. Up until this point, I had found myself effusively acknowledging to friends what a burden kids were and lauded their stance of not having one but what about my stance on this - had I truly deliberated my position on this subject?

Thankfully, unlike other Indian families, there was little pressure on me to provide my parents and in-laws with grandchildren sooner rather than later - phew! This meant I was free to have children just out of my own volition without being cajoled and forced into it. So, it was purely upto the discretion of my husband and me whether to have kids or not, but first I needed to make up my mind if I wanted one.

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I'll preface this by saying that I am quite self-centred and to have the focus of my life shift to another human being would be a paradigm shift - just the idea is disconcerting. I can't bear the thought of fundamentally changing my lifestyle and be perpetually worried about my child for the rest of my life. I'm sure this sentiment would resonate with most women and I'll have nothing new to add here. Like most women, I LOVE :-

• The freedom to sip my bottomless glass of wine on a tiring Friday evening

• Withdrawing into my inner world whenever I want

• Packing my bags and going on an impromptu trip

• Not being tethered to another human being

• Being unapologetically ME without judging myself or the fear of being judged

• Not being responsible for anyone

• Being the center of my universe

• And what have you...

In some ways, I feel that I am still evolving - I simply can't bring another human being into this world unless this process has completed or reached a particular threshold. The fact that I am still, in some ways, finding my feet in a different continent in and of itself is reason enough to put this on the back burner for now.

The sad reality of having kids is that it would have little effect on my husband's life but a dramatic effect on mine. This was a rigged game and so having a kid on a whim could prove to be even worse.

I don't think I am ready now or will ever be.

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Even as I write this, I can hear a small voice asking me whether I would regret not having kids further down the line. The voice forcibly paints this picture in my torn and pitiable brain.

"Fast forward twenty years. I am at the top of my game professionally - everyone around me gave in to their biological urges by deciding to have children and so work took a backseat for them. This worked to my husband's and my advantage. We both are living it up - fat pay checks, lavish holidays, international travels, we've done it all! Both our parents are resting in their heavenly abode and looking down on us to see how the 'no kids' philosophy was holding up. We don't care. We have the best of everything - home, car, an 85'' TV to keep us good company. We have everything we had envisioned for ourselves. Life is easy. But something feels amiss...we can't quite point our finger on it. The more forward in life we go, the more hollow it appears to get. The bigger questions in life leave us bewildered - who are we doing it for now? What are we leaving behind? Haven't we already done enough for ourselves....

We go to a park and the signs get stronger, the endearing look on a mother's face when she checks up on her kid in the stroller, a feisty father teaching his son how to play football...my husband and I exchange looks. We turn around. None of us speak but somehow, we both know exactly what each of us is thinking"

Did I want to be fifty two to realise THIS was a mistake....

We only get one shot at life.

One of the most powerful quotes, I have read on life so far:-

You have two lives. The second one begins when you realise you only have one

~ Confucius

They say, love exists in different types and forms and is the strongest force that changes people. While I had experienced different kinds of love - romantic, self-love, platonic, familiar, I wondered if 'selfless love' existed for real and if I would ever be fortunate enough to experience it. This love was unconditional and bigger than ourselves and gave our life a purpose. I set out to examine what gave rise to this form of love.

Upon harping on it for a few days, I realised I didn't have to look too far.

Arguably, all mothers love their children selflessly. This love was so powerful that it in fact alters the woman's brain, this 'brain re-modelling' helps women transition into motherhood. It was like the invisible umbilical cord that bound a mother to her child for the rest of her life. This was the power of 'selfless love'.

Although this 'selfless love' was beyond me, I imagined how this love would feel like. Would I ever have anything bigger and more important than 'me'. I had always felt a sea of love within me, love which I had not been able to channel anywhere yet. Did I want to live the rest of my life with this love bottled in within me only to result in an implosion eventually?

Children give us hope. They make us feel like heroes (at least till the point they realise we too are flawed). They bring meaning in our lives. They make us look beyond ourselves. They give us another shot at life.

We will never be ready to have kids unless we are.

Amidst all the reasons why I didn't want to have children, I unintentionally stumbled upon the reason why I should.

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It was time to have 'the conversation' with my husband.

We decided to go to a park on a chilly winter afternoon to get some literal and psychological sunshine.

We saw several mothers with an endearing look on their face while they checked up on their kid in the stroller, we saw feisty fathers teaching their son how to play football.

The discussion was imminent. My husband wasn't a proponent of having kids and we started discussing all the cons that came along with having kids. The discussion went on for long. I concluded by saying that I wanted to have kids in order to experience 'selfless love'.

"For me, it's not a matter of if but when", I remarked.

My husband was dumbfounded. I had caught him by surprise...

"Oh, I didn't realise that you wanted to have a kid", he replied.

"I hadn't realised I wanted one either hunny", I said to myself.