Nelson Mandela was once asked how he survived twenty-seven years in prison. He is famously known to have replied that he wasn't merely surviving, he was preparing.....
Everyone was looking forward to the year 2020 - the year seemed magical and promised to bring an end to our woes and despair. But to everyone's dismay, the year started with the coronavirus bombshell and the world is now ravaged by COVID-19 (as it is now called since it started wreaking havoc at the tail end of 2019). This pandemic has brought the world to its knees and all world economies have come to a grinding halt. A lot about this nefarious virus is still shrouded in mystery as it is constantly mutating and has managed to stay one step ahead of the researchers and epidemiologists. Jury's still out on whether the virus originated in a pangolin, a bat or a secret lab in Wuhan. People all over the world have been under lockdown for the past several weeks - with over eight weeks of shutdown here in Melbourne. Life, they say, will never be the same again unless a vaccine has been developed to obliterate this life threatening virus which has consumed around 300,000 lives so far. When will we see light at the end of the tunnel? The earliest that this vaccine will be ready is slated to be the first quarter of 2021.
Everyone has been reeling under the 'social-distancing' concept and is craving for human touch as they are being advised to maintain a distance of at least six feet from other people. Most people are now looking at their chores with a newfound respect and excitement. Suddenly, grocery shopping isn't that boring (and if you manage to find a toilet paper pack - well that's a bonus) as frugality takes a centrestage with caps being set on purchase of items in order to discourage stockpiling. A mundane walk in the park is the most anticipated event of the day, at least it is mine.
While everyone seems dissatisfied and is complaining about the current lockdown situation, we must not forget that this is once in a lifetime event. Rather than being drowned by this wave, let's ride it. I personally don't remember the last time I had so much extra time on hand - summer vacation in school perhaps? I initially felt great pangs of the lockdown but then I realised to flip the situation on its head. Instead of complaining, I thought of celebrating this time. Using this to make up for the lost time to do things I never really had the time for. You see ever since I relocated to Melbourne, I've found my life to be very reactive - it's like I am constantly trying to keep up with life with just managing to keep my head above water. Was it now time I took back control over my life while others' find their feet in this new climate? I started looking at this time like a treasure and I needed to be very judicious if I wanted to use it optimally. This will help me elevate my position in life. It will be like a hidden superpower and by the time this is all over - I'd be ahead in life. But how?
I deliberated on all the things that had been plaguing me for a long time. I dialed down for a day to reflect hard on this and one by one it started to come to me and before I knew I was looking at three solid macro areas of my life that needed some repair or uplift. I imagined that I was temporarily hitting a pause button on time to work on these areas and before the pandemic ends I will emerge on the other side with a better version of myself. I had a plan. Suddenly, I had an armour to protect myself from what was going around in the world in fact it was an enabler in the grand scheme of things in my life. This too shall pass...and I started working on my life's guide rail.
Building on my confidence
For me confidence has been very binary. I often find myself swinging between two extreme ends - the Dunning Kruger effect or the Imposter syndrome. Dunning Kruger had gripped me when I had initially moved to Melbourne only to be hit with the realisation that my knowledge was limited to only the tip of the iceberg and there was a lot more ground to cover. This soon morphed into an Imposter syndrome where I began questioning if I was hiding something behind the facade I presented to the world every single day and that it was only a matter of time when the exposé will take place and I'll be called out.
Sunday evenings used to set me in a state of tizzy - the week seemed long and arduous and sucked the energy out of me. Confidence ebbed and flowed depending on my mental state and this made me wonder what exactly was confidence for me? Simply put, confidence is the feeling of trust in yourself. The feeling that makes you feel - you've got this! But then why did I ride high on the confidence wave on some days, which I called 'good days' vs 'bad days' when I preferred to just lay low because I struggled to find even an ounce of confidence within me? I decided to get to the bottom of this by setting a baseline for my confidence so I could use even 'bad days' to my advantage. I just needed to breakdown the components of confidence that made me trust myself more.
Personally, I could breakdown the components of confidence into the following categories:-
(A) Competence
(B) Physiological comfort
(C) Persona
I realised my confidence is heightened when it is underlined by competence. I always need some kind of arsenal from which my confidence can stem from when faced with any situation. For me, confidence and competence went hand in hand. Establishing this linear relationship between the two really solidified my understanding of where confidence emanates for me.
I should either be good at it or know a great deal about it for me to boost my confidence.
This was a powerful insight. I needed either past experience and/or in-depth knowledge on a subject to really pump my confidence. This could also be flipped to keep me in check during times when I knew I didn't know enough so I could listen to other people who did - thus keeping me grounded and humble. And if I wanted to take a crack at something new, I just had to do my homework well to know enough about the subject, just enough to fuel my confidence. Confidence emerging from competence was unparalleled and couldn't be challenged. This is the cornerstone of confidence over which other layers could be built to create a holistic confident individual.
I also realised that being competent wasn't enough, I needed to check that quaver in my voice when talking to friends in general or when presenting before an audience full of C-suite executives. I needed to make sure I was physiologically at comfort to exhibit my confidence. But it's easier said than done right. How could I control the racing of my heart and that fight or flight feeling, or could I?
I had long read about the benefits of mindfulness to combat anxiety. I wasn't particularly a naysayer, it was just that I didn't care much unless I did. I have increasingly begun to realise how connected breathing exercises are in order to practice mindfulness and staying present in the moment to achieve zen in life. And thus achieving physiological comfort to manifest confidence.
Deep breathing increases the supply of oxygen which promotes a state of calmness
I was sporadically using my Apple watch to monitor my breaths even before the pandemic struck. Until I started realising how great I was feeling on days when I practiced breathing exercises compared to days when I did not. It was palpable to me how mindful breathing was making me feel calm and composed - it also instantly brought me back to the moment as I used to spend most of my time entangled in my head with either thinking about the past or worrying about the future. From the last two months, I have religiously been following breathing exercises every day and rather than time boxing it, I do it whenever I find time over the course of the day. I currently spend an average of twenty-five minutes spread across the day practicing mindful breathing. Anxiety is best tackled with breathing and I totally swear by it! This simple habit has drastically reduced my nervousness and enabled me to stay calm in trying times.
The third component of confidence for me was the persona I brought forward in different social and professional settings and how that persona could guarantee the confidence baseline that I wanted to set for myself (with the above two components of confidence in place of course). Honestly, this required brooding over softer aspects of my personality - aspects that are seemingly innocuous on the surface but where the problems were more deep-rooted.
Your confidence also depends upon the situation and how you react to it
While there were some common revelations, which I am sure most people would relate to, for instance:-
My confidence was contingent on my appearance
My confident was contingent on my health
I dug a little deeper to understand what other traits I needed to embody and develop which would help to improve my confidence. This wasn't an easy task and I'd say this is very much in progress. Here are some things I've found so far:-
I am a doer :- Well, good on you - you might say. Being a doer is always good - isn't it? Not necessarily. As gratifying as an action is for me, I realised that I almost always get itchy to jump right into action and most times this lands me into trouble because I haven't really spent time thinking what is the most optimal action to take. I realised I needed to hold my horses and always think about what action I should take next and if I had enough information at hand in order to do so. I needed to slow down in life because this is the right thing to do. I used to take great pride in alleging how much more I could accomplish and how others' were slow. Wrong. I was being disingenuous to myself as I did most things superficially to cover more breadth without the required depth. Foolhardy has not served anyone well. And everything in life is about quality and not quantity. To combat this, I've started a linear approach towards things in life cause hell even a computer can't multitask. You might say what this has to do with confidence? Well, if you routinely do things wrong, it will certainly erode your confidence and your ability to trust yourself in the future. So if you are like me - it's time to take it easy and for God's sake slow down!
I have fortified my life with ego:- There is no easy way to put this - only imbeciles have ego and they put their ego before anything else. I realised I was hiding behind my ego which acted like a shield thus providing me with good protection. This was affecting me immensely as it was giving me a false sense of superiority. Often times while in discussions, I found myself reluctant to hearing a differing viewpoint as it wouldn't go down well with my ego because 'I' wanted to always be right. I was turning a blind eye towards logic. It was incapacitating my ability to accept mistakes and to apologise. Because, according to my ego - this was akin to losing. I was also defensive towards constructive criticism which was restricting my growth as an individual. I decided to put a handle on this by looking at things from a rational viewpoint and killing my ego when I felt it was taking over my personality right at the get-go. I even began reading this fantastic book by Ryan Holiday called Ego is the Enemy which has really helped so far to understand and curb my ego. Confident people are able to listen, apologise, empathise and correct their course which is only possible if you can isolate yourself from your ego.
Like I said this is still a growing list and I am just glad I have a list now. The idea is to keep evolving your personality with time along with your confidence as these are innately intertwined.
I hope the nuggets above help you in uncovering what confidence really means for you by taking a leaf from my confidence building playbook.
<Watch this space for more as I release more blogs to help you use this lockdown time more efficiently>
Comments