Alone together or together alone (Part 1)

One of the things that has deeply mystified me is why homosapiens are such social creatures. The societal comfort is also observed in the animal kingdom - animals such as elephants, lions, wolves are perpetually found in close knit groups but then on the other hand you have animals like bears, leopards, wolverine etc. who find solitary lives more fulfilling.

Why is this fabric of togetherness so vital to our existence? What degree of connectedness is optimal? At what point should one pull oneself away from the social construct for some soul searching? You need to cut the clutter at some point in order to focus inwards to uncover one's true self - does this imply one needs to turn their back towards society and become anti-social, not necessarily. It means developing a sense of self. It means figuring out the world and your place in it. It means questioning your existence.

Some researchers argue that most intelligent people prefer to spend time alone. Have these folks figured out the secret sauce to life?

Most social connections these days are utterly meaningless and superficial - full of social niceties and small talk which drain us rather than keeping us energised. And the social media platforms don't make this any better - these are the greatest source of toxicity. It has started taking a toll on the mental well being of a lot of people. People want to control the delivery of their life's narrative through these platforms so it can be a source of envy and desire amongst friends and acquaintances. It's really shocking how superfluous most relationships can be these days. There are constant undertones of comparison and competition regardless of the nature of the relationships. There is little scope to forge genuine connections as there is a narrow window to bridge people on the emotional front. In the vast expanse of society, it's really difficult to cherry pick people who can be trusted and who can truly have your back in times of need. Even familial relationships are no longer inoculated against hatred and estrangements these days.

This really begs re-consideration of the vitality or futility of this social construct and how to strike the right balance between building relationships with others and with ourselves so we can ascertain the system and lead rather than being led by this system. The pivoting factors for the social connections can be narrowed down into two categories:-

- Shared experiences/interests

- Emotional stability

Humans tend to forge great relationships when they have common interests or are undergoing similar situations. This enables individuals to share their feelings and learn how others might be feeling in similar circumstances - this is paramount in reducing the isolation they otherwise might have felt being in the situation and acts as a morale booster by bringing in a sense of camaraderie. For example, new mothers speak to other women with kids to navigate the initial phase of handling their newborns. People also like to be part of different cliques and clubs where they can meet others with similar interests enabling them to flourish and thrive through these connection e.g. book clubs, hobby clubs. This, in my view, is a very healthy form of social connection and can play an important role in keeping us sane. These relationships are symbiotic in nature and play an integral part in our mental and emotional development. There are also self-help groups where a bunch of strangers endeavor to provide support to others in the same boat - this inculcates trust and compassionate towards others and even towards ourselves and sets off the process of celebrating our feelings rather than berating ourselves for feeling a certain way. This form of social connection can go a long way in improving humanity in general as we try to find a semblance of commonality in our uniqueness.

The second aspect of social connection is one's emotional stability - the degree to which you want to reach out to other people is inversely proportional to your emotional stability. No, I am not suggesting that you are emotionally unstable if you reach out to others. Neither that you turn into a robot and stop sharing and seeking counsel from others. What I am referring to is emotional over dependence on others for answers that can be found within. Obvious exceptions to this are when you want to connect with your loved ones to check-in on them and to share your life developments and experiences with them. But the problem arises when some people want to connect more with others than they would with like to with themselves - such people are lonely and can't stay with themselves and their feelings for too long. This is where social relationships can turn lopsided. People often seem to connect with other people who they know will make time out for them. Such people don't have to be the wisest, most rational or the smartest. They just need to be emotionally available for the other person and have a heightened level of emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence and emotional stability are generally correlated as an emotionally intelligent person can stabilise and manage their own emotions and emotions of others better. This behavior may or may not be reciprocated i.e. if I reach out to you due to your high degree of emotional stability, it doesn't mean that you will necessarily reach out to me as well when you are in a similar predicament as you would naturally go to someone with a higher emotional stability quotient (which is clearly not me). The relationship is generally one-sided and the people involved may not even see it this way but it is one with an emotional clinginess. I've often noticed that some people lack the ability to take full stock of their own life and their life decisions as they want this to be done in consultation with other people - people they deem intellectually better than them. They are constantly looking for approval and fear being judged by others. If left unchecked, this can have a deleterious effect on their personality and increase their dependence on others. Such people often lack the ability to look inwards and look for guidance from others. It's like they refuse to take responsibility for their lives and are capable of playing a victim if things go south so they can tell themselves that they were misguided by others. These people need to be shaken and shown how things truly are rather than how they choose to perceive it. This type of social connection is a recipe for disaster and can never be fulfilling. The aim should be to increase the degree of emotional stability and to be able to develop a relationship with yourself.

To overcome a low emotional stability, it's imperative to be in unity with yourself. Broadening your mind and perspectives and taking charge of your life. Realising that there is no such thing as black and white but a thousand shades within these colors. And applying this knowledge in the context to your life and life choices. Letting go and making mistakes. Being gentle and kind towards yourself in case of a misjudgement. Learning from these mistakes and evolving as a person. Empathising with others and seeing things from a different frame. The biggest testament to your growth will be someone else treating you as their pillar of support. And being able to guide others..

If you pivot more on the first aspect than the second - congratulations you've figured out the perfect concoction for social harmony. If this is or isn't the case, you might want to check out the other connected piece, in order to connect with your inner self so you can be a little less dependent on others and can embark on the journey of self awakening.