I've always been fascinated by the concept of Time - the linearity of it. Why do we only get one shot? Why can't we move backwards in time? What causes nostalgic? Why does time speed up as we age? Why, Why, Why?
Talk to Neil deGrasse Tyson and I'm sure he'll dumb it down for you but somehow I find my mammalian brain obsessing over the concept of Time, probably more than I should.
The older I grow, the more frustrated I feel at being held hostage by time. It feels every year, I leave behind more things than I embrace. The solidarity of life seems to get reinforced with each birthday as I am left torn whether to celebrate turning a year wiser or lament at another year having slipped through my fingers.
This realisation only grew stronger as my birthday began to loom - judging by the caption of this piece, you know I am on the other side of the fence. Let me preface this by saying that it's quite common for me to feel these blues ahead of my birthday as I pound myself to ascertain my purpose in life. I attempt to get a step closer to finding answers to these elusive questions - thankfully, the intensity wanes as I leave my birthday behind!
While, I doubt I can crack these anytime soon - I decided to do things a bit differently this time. Instead of focussing on the BIG questions in life (and being none the wiser), I decided to focus on the SMALL things in life. Things, that I have learnt while navigating this puzzle of life.
So here it goes, top three things I have learnt in life so far....
1. Keeping it simple :- The more I age, the more I have started believing in keeping things and relationships simple. This entails stripping things down to its core to see if the core itself resonates with me. If it does, voila! It's easy to confuse the beauty of something with the embellishments surrounding it - this often used to cloud my judgement as it acted as a distraction. I now espouse going back to the basics because if the basics are sound, so is the relationship.
I know, this might sound pretty obvious or even mumbo-jumbo to some. Allow me to throw some light.
(A) Keeping it simple for ME :- I believe, sometimes understanding your own emotions can be really tricky as emotions has a range of spectrum to choose from. At its core, there are only eight human emotions - I now drill down to understand how I feel about a situation in relation to these eight emotions. This is an excellent starting point and I follow this by a remedial action that helps me identify what to do with my emotion, my most common emotions are:-
Sad :- If something/someone makes me sad, it has to be let go
Anger :- If something/someone makes me angry, it has to stop
Fear :- If something/someone invokes fear in me, it needs my attention
Joy :- If something/someone makes me joyful, I should do it more
The above helps me determine how I should deal with a situation by picking out my most prevalent emotion and acting accordingly rather than relying on the off-chance of feeling a different emotion when encountered with that situation.
(B) Keeping it simple for my Relationships :- I now increasingly more than ever, surround myself with people that can help me uplift in any one of the following areas:-
Cognitive
Emotional
Spiritual
Health (both physical and mental)
I prefer keeping people that don't fit the above buckets in the outermost circle of my life or even weeding them out. This should also square well with (A), for instance - if someone deeply enriches me cognitively but leaves me feeling angry as it comes at the cost of belittlement and condescension - it is definitely not worth the effort!
Lately, I've also started to rely on my gut feeling. While growing up, I used to dismiss this feeling as it had no scientific ground. I've come to realise that while our mind is rational (well mostly), it fails to pick up on the negative energy when we are around other people. This energy is often picked up by the gut - often leaving me feeling queasy. My gut feeling has seldom let me down. Having said that, I don't make all my decisions using this feeling but when I do hear it, I respect it and listen to it. If only I had listened to this feeling earlier in life, I would have pulled myself out of many toxic relationships quite early on, without letting myself suffer.
2. Listen, Listen, Listen :- Mark Goulston puts this beautifully in his book titled 'Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely' - most of us try to be interesting rather than being interested in others. Conversations are often treated as a match of tennis where both parties are trying to score a point. For instance, if someone is talking about something, the other party immediately hijacks the conversation and starts talking about that something in their context. I was guilty of that too.
You know when you are not learning, when you are talking.
I have come to realise that listening is such an important skill which is often underrated. When I look back to my most enjoyable conversations - it was when someone listened to me!
Being much of a talker in most conversations, I realised that I needed to Listen more in order to:-
Understand people in order to get through to them
Learning from them
There is something to be learnt from everyone. Since, listening didn't come to me naturally, I came up with an approach towards how I could listen to people better. I often try to think of a single positive personality trait that sticks out about a person and then try to listen to them from the lens of this quality - it acts as a great pivot and keeps me hooked onto the conversation. It also helps me understand people's motivation and provides me with a view on what type of relationship I should forge with them.
We all do this, subliminally I think. We identify someone we can count on for keeping our secrets, for giving us a good laugh, for providing us a shoulder to cry on. While these relationships come quite easily when we are young, it becomes quite onerous to build new ones with time. How many new good friends have you made since college?
If we listen more, we can understand people better thus making them feel valued and turning them into trusted companions.
I consciously try to use the following in my conversations now:-
'Hmm' or ‘I want to hear more'
'How does it make you feel?'
'I am here if you need me' or 'How can I help?'
I try NOT to solve problems. Sometimes, people just need a sounding board
'Don't worry, this will pass’
3. Emotional Confidence :- People with emotional confidence, I take a bow. My understanding of emotional confidence has changed by leaps and bounds as I realised it's not a sign of weakness but on the contrary, immense courage.
While growing up, I was taught to be rough and sturdy. I was taught to not give in to the adversities of life and to never be miserable - taking control of my situation by proper action was the key towards building a successful life. Tearing up and asking for help was considered a sign of weakness.
Along the way, I forgot how essential it was to show people how you are actually feeling while alongside strategizing how to pick yourself up and move forward in life - the two can and should co-exist. When young, I had taken the latter to my heart.
I've now realised, how important emotional confidence is. It requires a great deal of emotional confidence to :-
Introduce yourself to others
Make the first move
Ask for help
Accept that you are a wreck
Map people and settings and instantly changing your script
Cry in front of people (especially people who are not your family)
I used to hide my emotions from others, treating it as a chink in my armour. I used to be afraid to be seen as fallible or discuss my failures with others as this may be perceived as a blemish on my otherwise alleged impeccable personality.
I have started thinking differently now.
Talking about everything aloud and drawing attention to your imperfections only humanises things - making you more approachable and relatable. In this world, wrapped with a layer of artificiality, people are now after the real deal and they know one when they see it.
Out of all revelation, this one was the biggest! Almost, transformative. Confidence devoid of emotional vulnerabilities will NOT take you too far, in both personal and professional settings. I now embrace my emotions with confidence and don’t shy away from wearing it like a badge of honour before the world.
I am sure, someday, I'll have answers to the profound questions in life but until then, I'll bask in the joy of learning small things in life - after all, it takes several pieces to complete any jigsaw puzzle let alone life. And, while my birthday is still two and a half months away, I am already looking forward to it!
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